i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
whose ass print is on the piano?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize