sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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