I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
