Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My ass is underappreciated
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
