Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
