my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
