Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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