when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
