before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
