The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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