I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
