Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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