So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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