Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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