If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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