i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
