tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
