So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
