I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
we're making bets on your personal life
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
