Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
