I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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