Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
