he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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