WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
