i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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