Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
