You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
