Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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