It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
