After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
