you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
