the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
