laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize