I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
