You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize