Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
