first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
