I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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