Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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