shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
