I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
