Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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