It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
