non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
