saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
