I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Send help, water and tortillas.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
