The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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