there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
