he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
