you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
