I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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