Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
