Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
