She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
