party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
