I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
