I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
