She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
