I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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