Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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