the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
