Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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