My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
