Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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