are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize