How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize