Where is the hickey?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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