Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
