then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
