So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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