I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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