Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
